Wednesday, July 1, 2009

No Woman's Land

I am 34 weeks tomorrow. Only a few weeks left! people keep telling me. Six long long terrifying weeks left - I can't help thinking. She could be born soon. She could die soon. I am being seen twice a week now for NSTs. Starting at 36 weeks I'll have a bio-physical profile instead of one of the NSTs. I have been seen just about weekly since the very beginning. She seems to be growing, her arrhythmia is a bad memory, her NSTs so far have been great - everything is fine - and yet I can't shake the feeling that she is going to die.

Noah's death was caused by a true knot. I really don't know for sure how long it took him to die, but I imagine it was minutes. Try as a might (and I really am trying) to find comfort in all this monitoring, I can't get past the thought that I could leave the clinic after a perfect visit, get in my car, and she could be dead before I pulled out of the parking lot.

One thing that is hard is that she just doesn't move very much. I listen to her heartbeat with my doppler and that will usually elicit a few jabs (she must really hate it), but often, too too often, she is quiet - and it makes me INSANE!

I'm in two worlds. One has a big box of beautifully clean and carefully folded newborn clothes waiting for her to wear, poop in, spit-up on and grow out of. The other world has a little ziploc bundle in my purse that contains the outfit I want her to be buried in. I keep it with me in case I don't get to go home before I deliver her as happened with Noah - I didn't get to pick out his burial clothes. Learning from experience I guess you could call it.

Will I still be sane when this is all over? Will I be of any use to anyone - to my Grace and Chet - if this baby dies? Will I know what to do if she lives?

1 comment:

  1. I acknowledge you for the courage to be so honest and open with your feelings. Blessings to you and to your family.