This has been simmering under my skin for quite some time now. I feel ridiculous at 40+ sounding like a 13 year old little girl, so my upper lip has been rigid, I let it go, slipping swiflty, effortlessly down my fowl-feathered back.....
Except that is a lie. It doesn't go away. It stays and eats at my confidence - ravenously.
Many babylost moms talk about the way they feel abandoned after their babies die. Family, but especially friends turn away from the raging grief, and so turn away from the person it is consuming as well. I don't think that is what I'm talking about here. I've worked too hard, and think I've been pretty darned successful at boxing up my grief , putting on a together face, carrying my sadness with grace, looking normal. "I'm good how are you?".... with a smile on top. No mention of my dead son, being poor, or making a slumlord rich - just the blessings of my wonderful husband and by beautiful living children :0)
I am really really sick to death of being ignored! I'm sick of "putting myself out there" only to be.......well what else can I call it but ignored? No response - nothing. Not "thanks for calling but I've been so busy". Not "thanks for your email but I don't need what you have to offer". Not "thanks but you are way too fucking depressing (or weird, or needy, or boring, etc.)". Just cold dead silence.
For months now I've been sucking it up and making excuses why I shouldn't take it personally. People are very busy these days after all. When I do bump into someone in person, they act as if they are happy to see me, right? So I guess they are just too overwhelmed to respond to my quick "just thinking of you" notes.
The reality is though, that after so many months of the same thing happening with so many different people, both in my real life and virtual worlds, babylost and not, that it really is time to take it personally. It has gotten to the point that I am wondering if I've developed some autism spectrum disorder that won't allow me to recognize my social misteps or gauge other's response to me. I'm serious. On top of that, well I'm not the most attractive person on the planet - that in itself makes one ignorable. And my politics must be oozing out of my pores, even as I am gagging on the blood of my bit tongue. Did I mention confidence chewed up and spat out?
Or maybe my phone isn't working right......and incoming emails have been inadvertantly blocked..... I'll go check.
....oh and.... screw spellcheck!
Guilt and Sorrow and Reconciliation
18 hours ago